NOTE TO SELF: Do Not Pick Fights With Heavyweights

Mar 17, 2007 | 10:36 AM PST
Tags: JessicaMarie, thecatbywas, writing, bloggers, Orson Welles, videowilliams, Americans
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I think I bleeped up when I challenged my two favourite bloggers (JessicaMarie, thecatbywas) to produce something serious instead of just phoning it in. In the space of what felt like 5 minutes, Miss Congeniality had a new novella up, and the Fat Man penned two sparkling new routines. He then responded:

"Happy now? Are you happy man???"

No, man. Not happy. More like dumbstruck. How do you people write so fast? I'm starting to realise I'm the odd one out in this company. Given wisdom in Australia is that 95% of Americans are pretty dumb, but the 5% who are smart are REALLY smart. This explains how a country whose high schools produce near-illiterate children can also put men on the moon.

We all assume that others see the world as we do. I assumed the way I write a serious piece- involving hours of mulling over, making notes, composing, rearranging, tweaking, moaning in pain- was how it was for them as well. Good writing is HARD. Good writing HURTS. Good writing gives me a godbleeped headache, and it makes me look around for any excuse to do something else. Whenever a blank page sits there quietly begging "fill me", inane domestic tasks begin to look appealing. Perhaps I'll just bring in the garbage so I can take it out again. That looks like fun...

Must just be me.

I think a story told by Orson Welles to Peter Bogdanovich explains it best:

A fellow goes to a doctor and says: "You know, doctor, I have these terrible headaches in the morning. Every morning after I get up and vomit and brush my teeth and have breakfast, I get this headache."

The doctor says: "What?"

"Sure," the fellow says. "After I get up and vomit and brush my teeth, I get this headache."

"You mean," says the doctor, "you vomit every morning?"  

"Sure," says the fellow, "doesn't everybody?"

 

BWLAAAAAAARGH.

 

Member Comments: 26

 

Delete Aletson visit blog


Mar 17, 2007 | 10:46 AM PST

HEY! I'm the only one on this site that gets to call Opie, the Fat Man. And I do it under my breathe when I'm watching his films. BACK OFF!



LOL!

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 17, 2007 | 10:55 AM PST

It's such a cool phrase, Aletson. I can't help myself!

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 18, 2007 | 7:14 PM PST

I never realized how much people loathe writing until I started earning ungodly amounts of money to do it.

Words just ooze out of me. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's gross.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 18, 2007 | 7:29 PM PST

That's what an editor is for, Jess.

You can ooze on me anytime.

Delete thecatbywas visit blog


Mar 19, 2007 | 11:02 AM PST

Hey…hold on…I’m fat? Really?

I was out of pocket this weekend, and just got to see this. But…know that I hate you. Stupid talented Aussie!

I love that you quoted Peter Bogdanovich. And that you spelled his name right.

“We all assume that others see the world as we do.”

I love this quote…and that whole paragraph. You know how to make a point, yet not shove it down people’s throats. More than a few “writers” could learn from you.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 19, 2007 | 1:34 PM PST

I'm trying to think of something funny here, but

"Thank You"

is all that comes. To be told

"I hate you"

by someone whose talent I truly respect, well, it doesn't get better than that. And you know I mean

"The Fat Man"

in the nicest possible way. Here, have a hamburger. Eat up. As we say here in Australia, you're a mate.

Last edited by videowilliams on March 19th at 1:40 PM.

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 19, 2007 | 5:34 PM PST

I've been too busy for much oozing.

Dammit.

Delete SallySue visit blog


Mar 20, 2007 | 1:46 AM PST

I love the word "Blaaaaaaaaaaargh." It's very "Mad Magazine."

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 20, 2007 | 2:45 AM PST

This is a very hot conversation, Jessica.
Do u hav webcam?

*SAVAGE GEAR CHANGE*

SallySue, you're probably right. I grew up on Alfred E. Newman and MAD Magazine. I almost killed myself when somebody destroyed my Star Wars parody edition!

Last edited by videowilliams on March 20th at 2:48 AM.

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 21, 2007 | 8:54 AM PST

Um, no.

And I believe the proper spelling is "HAWT."

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 21, 2007 | 12:27 PM PST

No webcam? That's too bad. Well, at least I tried.

Hawtie.

Last edited by videowilliams on March 22nd at 5:09 AM.

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 11:58 AM PST

Shoot, my computer can't even stream video for me to watch.

Can you imagine if I tried to send some out?


HAHAHA.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 12:24 PM PST

You're so technically savvy, aren't you?

You remind me of the blonde who totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

Last edited by videowilliams on March 22nd at 12:26 PM.

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 12:32 PM PST

OUCH.


I'm not technically savvy, and I admit it, but are you saying that my computer's inadequacies have nothing to do with a webcam?

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 12:44 PM PST

No, I just wanted to give you an ouchie so I could kiss it better.

Schmack.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 12:53 PM PST

It should be added I have no idea how webcam works myself. Heck, I've been asking you for advice on making blogs!

God, look at me... this girl says OUCH, I turn to jelly.

I'm such a fraud.

Last edited by videowilliams on March 22nd at 12:58 PM.

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 1:21 PM PST

I had this weird feeling in my right hand, and I couldn't figure out what it was.


Then I realized it was, you, under my thumb.


Smacks right back!!!

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 22, 2007 | 1:39 PM PST

I'll give the game to you today, Jess. But it's only 'cos you cried "Waaaaaah!" and asked a serious-sounding question in a hurt little girl-sounding voice. In other words, cheated.

As we say down here:

"Ah, women. Can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em."

There will be another time...

Last edited by videowilliams on March 22nd at 2:09 PM.

Delete cici visit blog


Mar 23, 2007 | 7:50 AM PST

Again with the puking!

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 23, 2007 | 8:57 AM PST

Look who's talking... Calamity Jane, the original gutter-mouth herself! Hey, it's great to see you back. We thought we'd lost you to the godless bleeping heathens!

Last edited by videowilliams on March 23rd at 12:22 PM.

Delete cici visit blog


Mar 25, 2007 | 7:29 PM PST

Thanks, Dave!

Those bleepin' heathens ain't got nuthin' on me!

Delete JessicaMarie visit blog


Mar 25, 2007 | 10:04 PM PST

trucking crocksluckers, the both of you.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 26, 2007 | 3:34 PM PST

BWAHAHAHAHA!

That's brilliant, Jess. I would never have picked you for an inventor of new swear words, but "trucking crocksluckers" sounds even fouler than the original.

Good work, you crockslucker. Truck yeah!

Last edited by videowilliams on March 27th at 7:39 AM.

Delete DawnAkemi visit blog


Mar 27, 2007 | 12:19 PM PST

I like the fact that being a writer means being a masochist in Dave's world.....Mmm! Hurts so good! I thought we actors had that cornered. But I guess that's me being a self-centered actor.

Makes me think of a joke:

The masochist says to the sadist....beat me! rape me! whip me!

And the sadist says, "no!"

Well.....at least that was funnier than Dave's blonde joke!

JessicaMarie is a creative wordsmith!!!

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 27, 2007 | 2:49 PM PST

Whoof- is it getting hot in here or is it just me? If one more Hot Little Fox arrives on my little ol' blog, I think my screen will start to melt.

Dawn, you are so welcome here in David's House Of Pain! I spent 20 minutes trying to think up a good S & M joke last night, but nothing came. You take the prize.

The only rule you might not like here is I always get the last word. So here's a brand new, never-seen-before joke about women that I just received last night...

Last edited by videowilliams on March 27th at 5:29 PM.

Delete   Edit videowilliams visit blog


Mar 27, 2007 | 2:58 PM PST

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast, while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says:

"Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says:

"I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says:

"Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Jeez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again..."